About New York – Part II

~ Kandyce ~ Leave a comment

Now here comes the magic…

The hotel elevator doors opened and slightly slouched in the back corner, clutching a cell phone in each hand, was the most decadent piece of walking chocolate my eyes had beheld in quite some time…smartly dressed in perfectly fitting jeans, a snug charcoal grey sweater with leather elbow patches and coordinating scarf, and a neatly groomed salt and pepper beard…and smelling of the sexiest musky cologne. I gave him a polite smile and got on the elevator. Still rubbing lotion into my hands, I see him checking me in my peripheral. So I give him a half glance back as if to say, “Yeah, I see you too.” After a few seconds he speaks in a thick accent…”Greetings of the Season.” After a few clumsy, “I’m sorry’s?” from me, I was finally able to make out what he was saying. I recovered with a warm smiled, ever so slightly batted my eyes and replied, “Oh thank You. Same to you.”

My room was on the 23rd floor, so we had a little time to chat. And as busy as the hotel was, we managed to make it all the way down to the lobby without picking up any additional passengers. I really can’t remember much of what was said, except that we were both traveling alone. Once we exited the elevator, I was on my way out when he, clearly not ready to part, asked what I was getting ready to do. I told him that I was walking to the pharmacy. He asked if he could walk with me. I obliged him. Him. Within minutes, he felt like less of a stranger and more like an old friend. Cracking jokes and exchanging base information, we walked to Duane Reade. He grabbed a basket and held it as I shopped. When the attendant gave me the total, he reached into his pocket for his wallet. I immediately tried to discourage him from paying, but he insisted, going so far as to playfully slap my hand away from the card reader when I tried to pay. Very well, sir…very well. He carried my bags back up to the 23rd floor and waited for me by the elevators. I put the bags in my room, gave myself a once over in the mirror and we headed down to the lobby bar.

lobby bar

We must have talked for 4 or 5 hours. At some point during the conversation, he asked what I had planned for the next day. I told him that I would be shopping during the day and for the evening I had a ticket to the Alvin Ailey Dance Theater’s performance and a dinner reservation at Red Rooster in Harlem after the show. He asked if he could accompany me. Although the conversation and the company were great, I really wanted to leave it at that.

He was very vocal about his desire to see me again and to keep in contact, but I encouraged him to just focus on the moment. Certainly, I would have loved to continue to get to know him beyond New York, but it felt unwise, naïve even, to create any expectation of that actually happening.

I told him that I bought my ticket 4 or 5 weeks prior, so he probably wouldn’t be able to find a seat next to me at the theater. He asked me to check. Even though it was Christmas Day, it was New York City afterall, so I called the Box Office. To my surprise, the attendant told that there was an empty seat 2 seats down from mine and that the couple next to me would likely be open to moving down 1 seat so we could sit together. He said that he was willing to take that chance and proceeds to hand me his credit card so I could purchase his ticket.

The next day, we conveniently bumped into each other in the lobby. We talked for a bit, then decided to head out and do a bit of shopping. We almost burned holes in our shoes from all of the walking…hand-in-hand, arm-in-arm, 34th to 5th to Madison and everywhere in between, we walked and talked and shopped.bowtie

As his feet and back were deliriously paining him from our hours of walking in his fashionable, but not so comfortable shoes, we decided to head back to the hotel when I realized that I needed jewelry for the outfit I was wearing to the theater later that evening. I purposely didn’t bring anything because I wanted something new. He was absolutely spent, so I told him that he could head back to the hotel and I would find some jewelry, then head back. He didn’t think it was fair to leave me alone, so he hobbled along until I found a jewelry store on Madison Avenue. I quickly found a pretty necklace and asked him what he thought. He returned the question. He could tell that I wasn’t in love with it, so he told me to keep looking. There in the glass case was the most amazing statement necklace and I mumbled under my breath, “Gosh, this is gorgeous.” So he asked the attendant to pull it out. Of course, she brought out the earrings and bracelet too and sealed the deal when she made me try it all on. I loved it! And you know what happened next, right? Yep, he bought all 3 pieces!

kandyce

Carrying all of our bags, giving money to the homeless lady and her 2 crying kids, hurting feet and back, protecting me from traffic, he grabbed a taxi and back to the hotel we went. Time to get ready for Alvin Ailey! The show was very different from anything I’ve ever experienced from the Ailey dancers but was um, interesting. The only thing that would have made my evening at the Red Rooster any better was if Chef Samuelson had made a cameo, or if I were there just a few days earlier when former President Bill Clinton and Mayor de Blasio were dining together. We were both scheduled to leave the next evening. Persistent in communicating his desire to keep in touch, we agreed to meet the next afternoon to talk about it…

…he never showed up

He had seemingly vanished into thin air. I suppose unbeknownst to me, my prince had turned into a frog and the fairytale was over. Disillusioned and disappointed in myself for not leaving things where I wanted (in that lobby bar), I made the most of my last few hours in NYC and boarded my flight back to Brazil.

About 6 weeks later, I was awakened by a phone call around 3:30 in the morning. There was no number on the Caller ID. “Unavailable,” it read. I answered a sleepy, “hello, hello, hello.” No one spoke. I hung up and went to the bathroom. The call came in on my Brazilian cell phone… “Probably a wrong number,” I thought. But a few seconds later, the phone rang again. Hello? “Hello,” the voice replied. After a few seconds, it registered to my sleepy brain that the person on the other end was speaking English, so it wasn’t a Brazilian calling the wrong number, as I had previously assumed.

It was him. I immediately knew that it was him. “May I speak to Kandyce,” the voice entreated. “This is Kandyce.” “Hello Kandyce, this is… let’s just call him James.” After a long pause and a silent, but deep breath, I replied, “I know.” “How do you know,” he pleaded. “Because I’ve been waiting for you.”

The signal was breaking up, so I moved to the living room closer to the window. Obviously, I had questions…lots of them. Well, really only one question. I’m sure you probably guess what that question was. Naked, curled up on the red ottoman in my living room, looking out into the night sky from the floor to ceiling window, I asked my question…and I listened for his reply.

I would tell you stay tuned for Part III, but that story is still under construction. Honestly, I don’t know that there will ever be a Part III. I will satisfy your curiosity and tell you that I have seen him since that fateful phone call. I have even met his closest friends and a few of his colleagues…and assistants and drivers (I know, right). Still, I can’t say for certain that there will ever be a Part III. If it never comes, I am truly grateful for Parts I and II. I needed it. I needed to believe again. I needed God to show me what was possible.

Once in a while2...

Your turn…

Tell me about a time when you have experienced a fairytale right in the middle of ordinary life? 

About New York

~ Kandyce ~ Leave a comment

My flight landed at JFK around 5AM on Tuesday morning, December 23rd. Aside from the monstrosity of luggage I was carrying (fully prepared for a shopping spree, NYC style), deplaning and getting through customs were a breeze.

In addition to speaking with hotel management in advance, I am a Gold or Diamond or Platinum, or whatever other precious metal or gemstone member of the Marriott, so I fully expected that my early check-in request would be granted. However, I arrived at the beautifully decorated and eerily quiet hotel just before 6AM, and with a slight look of annoyance and the flattest monotone, the front desk associate told me that the hotel was completely sold out and that I my room would not be ready until that afternoon. Fine, I thought. I’ll just walk over to Starbucks and just enjoy the quiet of the morning and the sparkling lights. That lasted for about 30 minutes.

the-lexington-new-york

I had a hair appointment at 9AM and took the chance and called the salon just before 7AM hoping that they would be willing to take me earlier. To my pleasant surprise, the woman on the phone told me to make my way to the salon now. So I grabbed a taxi and headed up to Harlem. I arrived to the salon, which was on the basement level of a very old brownstone. There was no heating and boy, was it cold down there. Aside from the cold, the salon was not all that clean and left little to be desired, but Yelp assured me that this was the place to have one’s hair braided in NYC, so after selecting my hair, I settled in. 7 hours later, they spun me around in the mirror to reveal the most amazing Senegalese twists. I’m not a huge fan of braids on me, but these braids were pure perfection, so when they quoted me slightly higher than we had previously discussed (par for the course), I didn’t mind paying. They had earned it!

Starving and tired, I hailed a taxi and headed back to Manhattan. It was almost 3 and I forgot that I had made an appointment at the incredible Bliss Spa for an eyebrow wax. The experience and ambiance and staff were all so amazing that I booked a half day of services for the next morning. After finally making it back to the hotel, I was finally able to shower and go to sleep. Ah, Day 1 was complete.

The next day was Christmas Eve, so it was time to explore the city before the show I had scheduled later in the day. Usually when I vacation, I keep my schedule very loose and play things by ear and adjust as the day unfolds. Not this trip! I had every detail planned to the nth degree, with the exception of Christmas Day. After a day filled with sightseeing, shopping, grazing at The Plaza Food Hall, riding horse & carriage through Central Park, and the Rockette’s, Day 2 was complete.

Rockettes

 

Christmas Day

I only had a few things planned (really, just eating and catching a double feature), so I left myself a lot of free time to relax and reflect on the season. The day started with a highly anticipated brunch at a restaurant with rave reviews and a beautiful menu. Unfortunately, the experience fell incredibly short. The restaurant was busy, but not at capacity and there were adequate “helpers” or “table runners” available. I was annoyed from the time I was seated…literally crammed into a corner next to the cash register. I thought I could manage, but as I was placing my order, I asked to be moved to the empty table next to mine. The waiter obliged. He was neither rude nor overly joyous. I placed my order for the most decadent fruit infused pancakes, eggs, and Canadian bacon (living in Brazil, these things are indeed a luxury) and a glass of the best sparkling wine on the menu. The waiter took my order, then said that they might be sold out of the Rosé, but would check with the bartender. He returned to the table to inform me that they were indeed sold out, and offered me the cheapest sparkling wine on the menu as an alternative <insert side eye>. My food arrived and I was hungry and ready to eat.

Brunch

The amount of syrup they brought me not sufficient, so I got the attention of one of the table runners to request more. He rudely obliged and disappeared into the kitchen. He returned a few moments later and while simultaneously turning his back, slammed down the ice cold syrup on the table. He was practically walking away as he slammed the syrup down. He absolutely REFUSED to look back in my direction, but I got the attention of one of the other “table runners” and asked him to send my waiter. After about 10-15 minutes and no waiter, I was livid! My food was cold, my syrup felt like it had come out of the freezer. I could almost hear my blood boiling. All that while that smug waiter-in-waiting who brought me the chilled syrup refused to look in my direction. I had had it! I got up from my table, put on my coat, and asked to speak to a manager. While unsuccessfully fighting my annoyance, I explained to her what had happened I very matter-of-factly told her that “I will NOT be paying for ANYTHING!” and walked out. I was beyond pissed! Well, it was more disappointment, because I was really looking forward to eating that food. My hotel had a restaurant, so I headed back that way. After waiting to be sat and watching 3 parties come in after me at the “no reservations accepted” restaurant, I stormed out of there too. This was NOT the way my Christmas Day was supposed to go!

After I calmed down, I decided to just ditch brunch and head to the movie theater earlier than I had planned. Since this brunch fiasco was throwing off my schedule, I had to find another theater and ended up in Times Square to watch Selma. After what I had just experienced, it probably wasn’t the best movie choice, but hey… My Christmas brunch ended up being movie popcorn and chocolate covered almonds. And instead of my sparking rose, I settled for a 20oz. bottle of Dasani. My plan was to see a double feature, but since my schedule was thrown off and I was really early, I would have to wait around for longer than I would have liked, so back to the hotel I went. I got back to the room and piddled around a bit, but quickly grew bored. So I decided to walk to the 24-hour Duane Reade a couple of blocks from the hotel to grab a few things requested by some colleagues back in Brazil. I freshened up a bit and headed out.

Now here comes the magic…

The hotel elevator doors opened and slightly slouched in the back corner, clutching a cell phone in each hand, was the most decadent piece of walking chocolate my eyes had beheld in quite some time…smartly dressed in perfectly fitting jeans, a snug charcoal grey sweater with leather elbow patches and coordinating scarf, and a neatly groomed salt and pepper beard…and smelling of the sexiest musky cologne. I gave him a polite smile and got on the elevator. Still rubbing lotion into my hands, I see him checking me in my peripheral. So I give him a half glance back as if to say, “Yeah, I see you too.” After a few seconds he speaks in a thick accent…”Greetings of the Season.” After a few clumsy, “I’m sorry’s?” from me, I was finally able to make out what he was saying. I recovered with a warm smiled, ever so slightly batted my eyes and replied, “Oh thank You. Same to you.”

 

Read about what happened next in About New York – Part II

Table for One

~ Kandyce ~ Leave a comment

After being sick and stuck in my hot apartment for 3 days, I needed to get out. It was Sunday, so I decided to go to church.

The “church” is housed in the meeting space of a suburban hotel. Before and after service, beverages and snacks are available to help facilitate community and communication. Its theme is “No one should have to do life alone,” so they do their best to create an environment where everyone feels like they are a part of a community. I chatted a bit with a few folks after service, then made my way out. Small talk isn’t really my thing. I’m more into long, meaningful conversation over a bottle of wine.

On my way home, I stopped by the cutest little organic food store near my apartment to grab something to eat.

I arrived home and set my table for lunch:

  • 1 placemat
  • 1 plate
  • 1 glass
  • 1 fork
  • 1 knife
  • A table for one.

Table for One (Dark Edges)As I sat down to eat, the silence was deafening. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my quiet time alone and even crave it most of the time, but today was a different story. “My life is empty,” I thought. I literally have no one in my life with whom I can share a meal and a conversation. It didn’t make sense! I mean, I have achieved a modicum of success. I managed to secure an expatriate assignment in Brazil. I own a home. I have a few designer pieces in my closet. I enjoy all types of live music. I can appreciate good wine and a good laugh. I have a healthy spiritual life. I have traversed several continents. I’m cute. I’m charming. I’m smart. I can even be funny when the mood strikes. I have things. I have experiences. But I have no one.

So there I sit at my uber chic all glass rectangular dining table with seating for 6, yet only 1 seat occupied. It was just too much to bear.

As I cut my chicken, the sound of the knife hitting the plate and echoing off of the barren walls simply drove me to tears. The aloneness was palpable. I could feel it in every inch of my body. My heart was aching. I wanted to run away! I needed to get out of that apartment! I needed to escape the mocking betrayal of the silence. The four walls that were designed to keep me safe had now seemingly turned on me. They were closing in on me and threatening to completely crush my spirit. But running seemed cowardice. So I was forced to stay and face my silent demon. After several attempts at trying to comfort myself and force myself to “snap out of it”, I eventually ended up on my knees, face down in the seat of the chair that I once sat eating my chicken, drowning in a pool of my own tears.

I was a mess!

Sure, I know that God is always with me. I really do. I know He’s there protecting me. I know His Spirit guides me. And gosh, how He loves me! My spirit knows it well. But I am not all spirit. I am also human…flesh and bone. And that reality makes me fallible and weak at times, and leaves me wanting. Wanting to hear an audible response, wanting to smell a familiar scent, wanting to feel the heartbeat, and touch the face…wanting to taste what’s unique only to one. And yes, I even know the scripture that tells me that God sympathizes with my weaknesses. I know that my God understands. And yet His seemingly ethereal understanding does nothing to lessen my wanting.

So what’s a girl to do? 

Go to New York City! After all, everyone finds love in NYC… or at least that’s what all of the movies suggest.

Well, I booked a Christmas flight to the Big Apple and decided to put this theory to the test.

Stay tuned for Part II: About New York…

 

25: The Year that Everything Changed – Part II

~ Kandyce ~ Leave a comment

The Beginning...

About 2 or 3 weeks after that I made that fateful decision, I received the most unexpected surprise! My manager approached me and asked if I would be willing to go to Nashville for about 3 months to help with a plant shutdown. I’m pretty sure there wasn’t even a breath between her question and my “YES!” Completely out of character, that impulsive answer was certainly not my head talking. My spirit knew well what my brain could not yet articulate. I needed a change, and Nashville looked a whole lot like change.

I arrived in Nashville on April 29, 2006, walked into the beautifully furnished apartment the company had procured for me and finally…I exhaled. Standing in the middle of the living room, two huge windows to my right, fireplace in front of me, I literally closed my eyes and exhaled. I was home. Nothing there was familiar, nothing belonged to me, yet I was home.

That summer was beyond. I found 2 amazing churches, reconnected with a few folks I knew from high school and distant relatives, made new friends, and couldn’t keep the guys away. Life was good. But my 3 months were quickly coming to a close, and so was my apartment lease back in Michigan.

I knew that the plant in Nashville was closing and that the expectation was for me to return to my job in Michigan. But I wasn’t ready to go back. I wasn’t prepared to forego this newness that I had found. Being so, with the help of the Plant Controller, whom I had developed a really good relationship with, we managed to get my assignment extended through the end of the year.But the lease on my apartment in Michigan was ending, so on July 28 I flew to Detroit, packed up all of my belongings, stored them in mother’s garage, and flew back to Nashville.

I didn’t know what I was going to do or where I was going to work after the end of the year, but I knew I wasn’t going back to Michigan. I couldn’t. There was nothing there for me but loneliness and painful memories.

With the Nashville plant closing at the end of the year, I knew that if I were to remain in the city, I needed to find another job. I’m sure there were others, but the only interview I can recall was for a Finance role at a popular healthcare company. On the day of the interview, I was sicker than I have ever been in my life. Certainly, I had no business showing my face in public and spreading my germs, but there was no way I was going to cancel or reschedule. So I pulled myself together, medicated, and less a few sniffles and slightly losing my voice, pulled off a pretty convincing interview. I ended up in the ER the next day.

I returned home from the ER and was sitting at my dining room table preparing to take my prescriptions when the phone rang. It was the healthcare company that I had interviewed with the day before. They offered me the job and a 21% salary increase. I was completely baffled. Holding the phone and fumbling for words, I was rendered completely speechless. Wait…I’m sorry…WHAT?! The person on the other end chuckled at my stupor. I was baffled for a couple of reasons…First, they made an offer so quickly…less than 24 hours after I interviewed. And second, they offered me a significant salary increase. I don’t know how long you’ve been around, but it’s in most business’s nature to low-ball…to get as much as they can for as little as possible. So the fact that they offered me 21% over my current salary made zero sense to me. Little did they know, I was so sure of my purpose in Nashville, I would have taken a decrease! Still completely dumbfounded, I quickly accepted.

New Beginning2...

I called my manager in Michigan to give her the news. She was not at all surprised. She said she felt that Nashville was where I was supposed to be. Two weeks later, I flew back to Michigan to say my final goodbyes to my old team and spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my family. The funny thing is, no one on my team was surprised. In fact, before I left for Nashville the first time, they all told me that I wouldn’t be back. I just thought they were being nice. I had no idea that they were speaking prophetically into my life. Neither did they. On Saturday, November 25, I packed up my black SUV to start my new beginning in Nashville.

With Fred Hammond’s newly released Free to Worship CD (a gift from my outgoing manager) bumping through my speakers, I drove down Interstate-75 South at a dark and wintery 5AM into a bright and sunny new day in Nashville, Tennessee. Foregoing everything safe and familiar, I reached forward to the destiny that await me.

Friends, I leave you with a question: What are you willing to dispossess in order to possess the WILD that God has called you to?

Leave your responses in the comments section below. Also, if you have questions for me, ask!

25: The Year that Everything Changed – Part I

~ Kandyce ~ 2 Comments

My New Life (Chapter 1)

“It’s time for me to move on. You can’t stay here anymore. I’ll take you to your mother’s house on Saturday.”

Those fateful words… That mental shift… That was the decision that changed it all. Just a few days after my 25th birthday, those were the words I uttered to my then estranged live-in boyfriend. No tears. No discussion. No questions to answer. We’re done.

Saturday arrived and I took great care in putting myself together. Hair and makeup were flawless. Tall boots, sunglasses and oversized designer bag. When I pulled my SUV out of his mother’s driveway, I had never felt freer. It would have been tacky of me to burn rubber, so with the windows down, music bumping, and my past in my review mirror, I deliberately drove away that day and never looked back. The day was Saturday, October 15, 2005. 

I had my life back! I had my apartment back! I had my vehicle back! I was responsible for no one but myself! For the first time in 4 years I felt strong and in control. I had started a new job about 3 months prior making more money than I could have imagined just a few years out of college. I loved the culture and the women I worked with were heaven sent. Between Weight Watchers and Tai Bo, I lost 25 lbs. and gained a lot more in confidence. With an insatiable hunger for something bigger and better, I rededicated my life to Christ and became a faithful student of his word.

Then the test came… 

I received a phone call from my mother sometime in January 2006 asking if my then 17 year old brother could come to live with me. She needed a break. He needed a break and distance put between him and his neurotic, narcissistic, and flat out dangerous girlfriend. I knew the hell that was going on just 90 miles North of where I was living. I knew that she was afraid and desperate to save him. But I also knew that I wasn’t the answer. I was 25, single, and trying to get my own life on track after ending a 4 year relationship with a seriously broken man. I didn’t have enough to offer anyone else at that point.

But afraid to tell her no and not wanting to live up to her accusations of my selfishness, I told her I would think about it. That next week, I called a trusted advisor and big sister to get some advice. She told me that she was going to email me a list of questions to meditate on and pray over before I gave my mother an answer. She sent me a list of 20 questions. I read them all, but I knew after reading the first question that I shouldn’t have him come live with me. But I said yes anyway.

I enrolled him in an adult education school about a mile or so from my apartment, bought a futon for the second bedroom, went grocery shopping, and drove my black SUV the 90 miles to pick him up. This time, no fearless energy followed. No celebratory bad-ass music bumping through my speakers. I knew I was making the wrong decision. But I wasn’t yet strong enough to make the right one. 

This 17 year old boy was hurting and struggling with demons that I was not equipped to help him fight. I got him to come to church with me once or twice. After begging and prodding, I managed to get him up most mornings to get him to school. The other mornings, well…his feet got him there. He stayed in his room mostly. I stopped going out and doing things in the evenings and on the weekends. I felt guilty about leaving him alone. He quickly made friends; unfortunately, of the wrong sort.

School wasn’t going well. I called his teacher and she told me that he told her he was doing drugs. I left work hysterical. My manager asked me what I was going to do…what I was going to say to him. Bewildered, I simply responded, “I don’t know.”  We both sat on the couch in my living room silent. He was high on something. I was breaking inside and deathly afraid. For some reason, drugs scare the shit out of me. I refuse to listen to songs glorifying their use and forget about watching a movie scene with drug use. I just can’t stand them, not even the thought of them! We exchanged a few words before he retreated to his room…or out with his new friends. I honestly can’t remember. I do, however, remember becoming paranoid. I didn’t know who these people were he was associating with and I didn’t know if one of them would be waiting outside my door one morning. I started praying even harder, fasting…reading my Bible. Trying to find solace. I don’t know how, but I stumbled upon this verse:

“But if you return to me and obey my commands, then even if your exiled people are at the farthest horizon, I will gather them from there and bring them to the place I have chosen as a dwelling for my Name.” Nehemiah 1:9

Reading that verse of scripture felt like a rain shower after a 4 year drought. I cried and contemplated, reasoned and rehearsed. As difficult as it would be, I knew what I had to do. I knew I needed to follow the original leading I received and take him back home. I knew that my co-workers/angels/big sisters were right when they told me that I shouldn’t be dealing with this heavy burden, but rather, enjoying and living my life. And now, I had not only a feeling and other people’s opinions, but God’s word to back it up.

So one Sunday evening, I told my brother that I was going to call my mother and that I wanted him to listen in from the telephone in his room because I had something to tell them both. For a people pleaser who feared her mother, uttering the words was one of the most courageous and difficult things I have ever had to do. But utter them, I must. I was miserable and knew that I was the only one who could put myself out of that misery. I knew that I needed to regain control of my life. So after two months with me, I made that 90 mile drive again in my black SUV, this time wearing my mourning clothes. Although I knew I was making the right decision for myself, I was ashamed. I didn’t want them to think of me as selfish. But I needed to be selfish at that moment. I needed to nurture and heal myself. I didn’t have room or energy to help anyone else.

After I dropped him off, me apologizing profusely, my brother hugged me in the middle of my mother’s kitchen and told me that he understood. I cried the entire ride home. When I closed the door and turned the key to my apartment, my knees hit the floor and an ocean of tears followed. Kneeling on the side of my bed, I prayed that I had made the right decision. I knew I had, but making it almost broke my heart. 

Part II tomorrow…