Author: Kandyce

The Gold Digger’s Manifesto

~ Kandyce ~ Leave a comment

And the day came (white)

Ernest Hemingway said that there was nothing to writing except to sit down at the typewriter and bleed.

I say, “I hope you’re not squeamish.”

I am SO AFRAID to get really REAL and expose myself…

Stop hiding! That was the mandate given to me by the Spirit at the beginning of this year. That was my overarching goal for 2014…STOP! HIDING! Almost within the same moment, I received the inspiration to share my story, my unfiltered truth, and to do so in a very public manner. After I received the mandate on December 31, 2013, I wrote in my diary, “I am SO AFRAID to get really REAL and expose myself to the degree that God is requiring. The thought of it makes my stomach turn and makes me want to break out in hives.” And so here we are almost 1 year later and I have yet to answer that call. But there seems to be a force at work both within and around me that will not allow me to leave 2014 without doing the thing that I am most afraid of. So be it. Beginning tomorrow, December 18th, you will have an opportunity to experience me completely uncensored during my 30 day ‘Dear Diary’ series on my blog, Diary of a Gold Digger.

So, why am I doing this?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written a Facebook status or Tweet and deleted it, afraid of how others might perceive it. Afraid of how they might perceive me. Afraid to allow my true thoughts to see the light of day, opting instead to keep them hidden in my heart. But now I’m overflowing and the truth of who I am is bubbling to the surface. The real Kandyce is spilling out and I’ve decided to let it do just that. I’ve decided to stop being afraid. And I’ve decided to take all of you with me on my journey to freedom.

The characteristic that I most value in a human being is courage. No, that’s actually putting it mildly. Quite frankly, I despise cowardice. If that be true, then I must ask myself the question, “How can I expect or demand courage from another, yet be unwilling to exhibit courage myself?” Sure, I’ve taken steps in my lifetime that many have considered bold or courageous. I’ve moved across the country and now out of the country, both times alone and without knowing a single soul or what lie before me. I’ve journeyed across the vast and desolate Arabian Desert, ventured into drug lord territory in Guatemala, had AK-47 armed military police escorts in Nigeria, taken gypsy cabs in China, and the list goes on. But all of these things pale in comparison to what I’ve now been asked to do…to bare my soul. Strip myself naked for the world to see. Baring my imperfections, my desires, my unfiltered thoughts. God granting me the idea for this ‘Dear Diary’ series was an invitation.  An invitation for me to go deep…to write my story and to shine light on the truth of who I really am.

While I certainly haven’t been pretending to be someone I’m not, I have been fearfully holding back and selectively sharing. Not that I wish to lose any of my mystique, but I do feel that the time has come to lift the veil to allow the world to see and experience the woman underneath.

The next 30 days will be very personal. And certainly some would argue that my decision to make public my diary is unwise, to say the least. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I too am a bit nervous about allowing the world to be a voyeur into the intimate details of my life. Okay, let me be completely honest. Tears well up in my eyes, a boulder lodges itself in my chest, and I literally cover my face with my hands at the mere thought of sharing some of the truths that I may be led to share with you. But then I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson: 

“We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So here’s my manifesto, my sacrificial lamb… Every day for the next 30 days, I vow to challenge myself to live life inside-out. For your sakes and mine, I am going to live fearlessly! I am voluntarily taking on one of the most vulnerable mantles I have ever considered. I want to liberate you to stand in your truth and to fully embrace yourselves in all of your unique glory. May you too become compelled by the same force that has compelled me to step out of the shadows and be seen; apparently, the thing that I have been most afraid to do.

My hope is that over the next 30 days you will commit to opening yourselves. Open yourselves to hear the truth. Not just my truth, but the truth that will sprout up and begin to reveal itself in your own hearts. Don’t ignore that pull, that thing that you want to dismiss, the thing that pisses you off. Listen to it. Ask what it’s there to teach you. As I find the courage to stand in my truth, let my words challenge and inspire you, entertain you, make you blush. But most importantly, may they stop you dead in your tracks, awaken you out of your stupor and motivate you to get real with yourself and the world around you.

Diary of a Gold Digger is my ultimate expression of that old adage, “the truth will set you free.”

The Deception of the Mask

~ Kandyce ~ 2 Comments

Often times fear and vulnerability masks itself as angry, superior, or a 5 letter word that rhymes with witch.

I should know. 

IMG_1042This important admonition comes to mind as I settle into life in a new country.  I’m relying heavily on others to help me to find housing (and navigate the mounds of paperwork and beauracracy that entails), transportation, communication, a store to buy soap, you get the picture.  And it’s hard.  But I’m so glad I learned this critical lesson before deciding to move to Brazil, as it certainly prepared me for its trials.  Now when I get frustrated and impatient with those helping me to navigate this rough terrain, I can explain to them that I’m not angry, I’m just feeling vulnerable because my personal affairs are in their hands and I don’t like it.  I can tell them, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

I came to this realization of fear and vulnerability masking itself as a myriad of ugly traits in 2012…after I had come down off of my angry, haughty, bitchy high, of course.  I was in Ghana on business and one of my top priorities was getting my hair braided by one of the Fairy God Mothers of cornrows.  So after conferring with the ladies working the hotel’s front desk (and observing their perfect coifs), I was sent to Matilda’s “salon” over on the red clay road near the old police station in Accra.  Well, to say that I was “sent” isn’t entirely true because in true Ghanaian fashion, one young woman in the group gave me her phone number and volunteered to personally take me on her Saturday off to ensure I made it there and back without getting lost, but I didn’t want to impose.  That’s what my coworkers were there for, after all!

So after having a coworker to call to make me an appointment and obtain directions with very few street names and lots of landmarks, I finally made it to Matilda’s “salon.”  The road was much too treacherous for the car we were in.  Heck, all of those manholes, rocks, boulders, stray dogs, red clay, and random trash would have given a Humvee a run for its money.  But we made it!  Three ladies working on my hair and 1 with my feet in her lap giving me a pedicure.  I felt like the honorary African-American Village Queen of the Hour.  When my co-worker dropped me off, Matilda told him that it would take her 2 hours.  About 20-30 minutes before she finished, she said, “you can call him to pick you up.”  So I did.  And sure enough, exactly 2 hours in and the equivalent of $20 later, my hair was flawlessly completed, but my coworker was nowhere to be found.  I thought to myself, “I’m sure he’s on his way, I’ll give him 10 minutes.” I think I might have given him 15 before I called.  He told me he’d be there in 10 minutes. Great!  10 minutes, 15, 30, 45, 60, 90, 120 minutes and countless dead-end phone calls to all 2 people I knew in Ghana later, he finally shows up!  I seriously don’t know how anything in my vicinity survived the fire that I was breathing.  I dared him to look at me.  And then the biggest offence of all…. He had the nerve to compliment me on my hair!  I could have ripped his tongue out of his throat.

Overreacting, you say?

Imagine this…you’re halfway across the world in a foreign country ALONE.  You get DROPPED OFF in a random neighborhood village to let “Matilda,” albeit very nice, braid your hair.  You are relying on 1 of the 2 people you know in the entire country of 25 million people to return for you in 2 hours and they don’t show until 2 hours later with NO COMMUNICATION.  Ladies and gentlemen, we are not talking about a developed country with 1st world urban planning where a GPS can lead you home in a few clicks.  This is a chaotic maze of people selling everything on the streets from bottled water and homemade food to pool toys and windshield wipers, loud cars with smoking tailpipes, jitney buses, gypsy cabs, red clay and dirt roads with human sized potholes, loud horns, bootleg preachers on corners with loud speakers, stray dogs, power outages, tin & wood shack stores and eateries, and no street signs.  I couldn’t even BEGIN to explain to anyone where I was!  And by the way, that old police station landmark…yeah, never saw it.  I was LIVID!!!  When my ride finally arrived, never had I been so angry and relieved at the same time.  My words cut like a hot knife on butter.  I’m sure my typical “eat $h!t, and die” look was magnified 100 fold.

But months later after I calmed down and had a chance to reflect (yes, I said months…okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration), I realized that while I was indeed angry at being left waiting for over 2 hours, it was more fear that had taken hold of my heart.  Or the fear of being vulnerable.  Or the reality of my vulnerable state?  Something like that.  I was alone.  I didn’t know where I was.  I couldn’t get in contact with anyone. And I didn’t know when anyone would show up for me.  And although the ladies in salon were nice to a fault and I never once felt like I was in any physical danger, I was still afraid.  I didn’t know how or when I would make it back to the safety and comfort of my hotel.  I couldn’t get a call to go through to the hotel to have them to send me a car.  Not that I could tell them where to pick me up anyway!   I thought I might have to walk to the end of the alley-like road Matilda’s salon was on to yield one of those gypsey cabs.  I was in a very vulnerable position and it was uncomfortable as hell. For someone as fiercely independent as I to grant someone my trust is monumental.  And in my mind, I was failed miserably.  I felt abandoned.  Like a ship lost at sea without a sail.  And every minute that passed felt like an absolute eternity!  Every unanswered phone call made me feel as if my little canoe drifted a little further from the shore.

But when I was able to rationalize what had happened and get honest with myself, I realized that my ego had taken a serious blow!  How dare anyone leave me waiting?!? I felt embarrassed to have been left sitting there for so long!  What must the ladies in the salon be thinking?  I knew that I wasn’t stranded or lost forever.  I knew that my ride would eventually show up.  Again, the fear and my ego had me beguiled.  In my anger and FEAR, I made so many vows to “never do” this or that.  But my wild heart and my curious spirit would never allow me to live that way.  And the next time I’m in Accra, Matilda’s will undoubtedly be one of my first stops.  But you better believe I will have a private driver who will be chained to the broken salon chair next to mine whilst I bury the keys in a secret place a stranger dare not go.  Calculated risks, my friends.

So the next time you’re tempted to respond in anger or camouflage that insecurity as pride or false superiority, take inventory.  Understand the true condition of your heart.  Ask yourself what’s really driving these ugly behaviors.  Could you too be attempting to mask your own fear and vulnerability through a veil of anger, or meanness, or superiority?  Have an eye discerning enough to recognize their signs, and enough courage to confess and course correct.  Doing so does not make one weak.  Quite the contrary, in fact.  So cheers to building those muscles of courage! 

“True courage is not the brutal force of vulgar heroes, but the firm resolve of virtue and reason” ~ Alfred North Whitehead

“Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point” ~ C.S. Lewis

“Courage is to never let your actions be influenced by your fears” ~ Arthur Koestler

Talk to me….tell me about a time when you have put up a veil of pride/anger/impatience/(fill in the blank) to hide your fear or insecurity.  How might you have chosen a path of courage for yourself and likewise, one that was more affirming to those you were dealing with?

disclaimerDisclaimer: The comments made about Ghana were for demonstration and creative purposes only.  Of all the countries I’ve traveled, Ghana is, and likely will ever be, my most beloved.  Never in my life have I felt so comfortable and “at home” in my own skin.  I felt Free. Smart. Funny. Sexy. Confident. Relaxed. Energized. From the smoky taste of the perfectly grilled tilapia to the tranquilizing art gallery overlooking the majestic Atlantic Ocean that transported my stolen ancestors to the Americas, I connected with the country and the people on a spiritual level and it will ever be home in my heart.

 

Bem-vindo ao Brasil!

~ Kandyce ~ 6 Comments

Find out who you are

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well friends, I arrived in Brazil Friday morning, August 1st about 7:30AM local time.  My departure from the US was decidedly less ceremonial than I had hoped.  I wanted to write to you beforehand to tell you all about the new journey I was embarking upon.  But the truth is, I scarcely slept my last week in the US and was completely engulfed in preparing for this leave up until the very hour I left.  I simply didn’t have time.  And had I the time, what was I to say?  What had I to tell you about a journey that I had yet to take?  While it is true that God makes the end known from the beginning, the end doesn’t really make much sense until we’ve experienced everything in between.  And that, my friends, is yet to unfold.  But what I can tell you is that today is a new day.  And not just any new day.  Today I write the first page to what is guaranteed to be an epic adventure.  An amazing tale that will undoubtedly shape me as well as others, in times and spaces and measures unknown.

For those of you wondering what the heck I’m doing here, my assignment here is no different than my ultimate assignment in the earth: to make order out of chaos.  Vague enough for you?  To simply, I will examine the way the HR Services function is operating, put processes and procedures in place to improve, and measure the performance.  Additionally, with my Finance background, I will overhaul their billing practices.  I am not here to do the work for them, but to empower them to run their own business more effectively and efficiently.  Sounds simple, but I know it will be anything but.  That’s okay, God’s grace is sufficient.

Over the course of the next 12 months, I will keep you updated on all of my new adventures and share with you how I’m adjusting to life in a new country where the seasons are flipped, the language is different, and the culture is so drastically different from my own.  But I plan to soak it all in.  I will not live in an expat compound as I’m sure Global Security would prefer, but rather, in a bairro where my neighbors are Brazilian and I can hear live jazz, samba or bossa nova on any given day.  I will live where they live, eat what they eat, and if only by a prayer and a wing, speak their language!  “Desculpe, eu não falo Português” is not acceptable for me when someone asks me a question, so ya’ll better pray for me.

I start work tomorrow, so the adventure begins!  That’s right, no rest for this weary soul.  Not yet…

When Plan A is the Only Option

~ Kandyce ~ 6 Comments

Do you believe in your dream enough to allow it become your only option?

 

Not purple.  No, not lilac.  Not aubergine. Amethyst!  YES, that’s it!  A shopping buddy tried to convince me that “these purple chairs are close enough, and the price is unbelievable! You won’t have to go through the hassle and expense of a reupholster. Just get these,” she said with a repugnant look that begged the question, “why does everything with you always have to be so precise?!”

The answer is clear.  Once I envision a thing, all other options consequently become obsolete.  Even if I can’t quite capture it in my mind’s eye, my heart and spirit knows it well.  And it is that knowing that propels me forward.  My vision becomes focused like a laser.  There are no obstacles.  There is but one answer and nothing will prevent me from finding it.

I’ll sacrifice.

I’ll wait.

I’ll keep searching.

But I won’t accept a substitute or counterfeit.

Now of course we are not just talking about chairs.  We’re talking about life, or more specifically the purpose of your life.  As unique as your fingerprint, so too, is your life’s purpose.  Once that purpose is discovered and God has revealed how you are to uniquely package that gift, is there ever a need for Plan B?

No!  Your Plan A is perfectly designed to support you and fulfill your destiny in this earth. Plan B will leave you in want and can never completely satisfy.  Sure, it can sometimes serve as a stop gap along your journey to Plan A, but it is not the ultimate destination.

If you’re searching today or feeling as if there’s “something else” you’re called to in this life, I invite you to go back to your starting point.  Don’t be afraid to switch gears in an effort to reposition yourself on the right road.  Utilizing your unique gifts and talents will make you a priceless commodity.  Your gifts will make room for you.  It is only in that place that you will find true fulfillment, joy and contentment in your work.

The Gut Whisperer

~ Kandyce ~ 1 Comment

“Learn to let your intuition—gut instinct—tell you when the food, the relationship, the job isn’t good for you (and conversely, when what you’re doing is just right).”  Oprah Winfrey

As I rounded the corner to pull into the parking lot – car, after car, after car, after car – back dropped by the most uninspiring, single-story, brown brick, flat roofed façade, the literal sick feeling in the pit of my gut answered a question that my mind had yet to pose.  “I can’t do this anymore,” I quietly uttered as I shift the gear of my black Cadillac (I know…fit for a funeral) into park.  Listlessness fell over me as suddenly as the impact of a head-on collision.

Sound familiar?

“How long will you waver between two opinions?” the prophet cried. How many afternoons must we drone along, desperately trying to manufacture passion for work that does little to satisfy or stir creativity?  How many “mental health days” do we need before we realize…or accept the fact that something has gone awry?  What will it take before we decide to submit to a much-needed course correction?  For me, this was the day (or the straw) that finally broke this camel’s back.

Deep within my belly began to unfold a reality that words or reason could have never accomplished.  There was a truth to it – an authenticity reminiscent of the guilt felt after taking the last cookie from the cookie jar.  But only this time, I was the person being robbed!  And yet, I also stood in the shoes of the thief!  I was robbing the world of the gift that I was created to give.  My gut rendered a guilty verdict that could only be reversed by giving back and sharing with the world everything that I had been holding hostage.

I’ve decided to step out and begin to march to the rhythm of the beat of my heart.  I listened to the brain in my belly, that still small voice, beckoning me to step into my rightful place.  And so this blog serves as a small, but the first of many gifts to you.

Before you close your email or web browser, I want you to consider the thought: What are the whispers from your gut?  Are you exactly where you want to be, living the life that you’ve always dreamed of?  If so, congratulations!  Keep running, and don’t look back!  But if you’re feeling frustrated and dissatisfied with your life – if you’re sensing that sick feeling in the pit of your gut, then I invite you to join me in the journey to authentic living.  I dare you to discover your unique talents and gifts, and begin sharing them with the world around you.

“Then indecision brings its own delays,

And days are lost lamenting o’er lost days.

Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;

What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe