Ernest Hemingway said that there was nothing to writing except to sit down at the typewriter and bleed.

I say, “I hope you’re not squeamish.”

I am SO AFRAID to get really REAL and expose myself…

Stop hiding! That was the mandate given to me by the Spirit at the beginning of this year. That was my overarching goal for 2014…STOP! HIDING! Almost within the same moment, I received the inspiration to share my story, my unfiltered truth, and to do so in a very public manner. After I received the mandate on December 31, 2013, I wrote in my diary, “I am SO AFRAID to get really REAL and expose myself to the degree that God is requiring. The thought of it makes my stomach turn and makes me want to break out in hives.” And so here we are almost 1 year later and I have yet to answer that call. But there seems to be a force at work both within and around me that will not allow me to leave 2014 without doing the thing that I am most afraid of. So be it. Beginning tomorrow, December 18^th, you will have an opportunity to experience me completely uncensored during my 30 day ‘Dear Diary’ series on my blog, Diary of a Gold Digger.

So, why am I doing this?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written a Facebook status or Tweet and deleted it, afraid of how others might perceive it. Afraid of how they might perceive me. Afraid to allow my true thoughts to see the light of day, opting instead to keep them hidden in my heart. But now I’m overflowing and the truth of who I am is bubbling to the surface. The real Kandyce is spilling out and I’ve decided to let it do just that. I’ve decided to stop being afraid. And I’ve decided to take all of you with me on my journey to freedom.

The characteristic that I most value in a human being is courage. No, that’s actually putting it mildly. Quite frankly, I despise cowardice. If that be true, then I must ask myself the question, “How can I expect or demand courage from another, yet be unwilling to exhibit courage myself?” Sure, I’ve taken steps in my lifetime that many have considered bold or courageous. I’ve moved across the country and now out of the country, both times alone and without knowing a single soul or what lie before me. I’ve journeyed across the vast and desolate Arabian Desert, ventured into drug lord territory in Guatemala, had AK-47 armed military police escorts in Nigeria, taken gypsy cabs in China, and the list goes on. But all of these things pale in comparison to what I’ve now been asked to do…to bare my soul. Strip myself naked for the world to see. Baring my imperfections, my desires, my unfiltered thoughts. God granting me the idea for this ‘Dear Diary’ series was an invitation.  An invitation for me to go deep…to write my story and to shine light on the truth of who I really am.

While I certainly haven’t been pretending to be someone I’m not, I have been fearfully holding back and selectively sharing. Not that I wish to lose any of my mystique, but I do feel that the time has come to lift the veil to allow the world to see and experience the woman underneath.

The next 30 days will be very personal. And certainly some would argue that my decision to make public my diary is unwise, to say the least. I would be a liar if I didn’t admit that I too am a bit nervous about allowing the world to be a voyeur into the intimate details of my life. Okay, let me be completely honest. Tears well up in my eyes, a boulder lodges itself in my chest, and I literally cover my face with my hands at the mere thought of sharing some of the truths that I may be led to share with you. But then I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson: 

“We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

So here’s my manifesto, my sacrificial lamb… Every day for the next 30 days, I vow to challenge myself to live life inside-out. For your sakes and mine, I am going to live fearlessly! I am voluntarily taking on one of the most vulnerable mantles I have ever considered. I want to liberate you to stand in your truth and to fully embrace yourselves in all of your unique glory. May you too become compelled by the same force that has compelled me to step out of the shadows and be seen; apparently, the thing that I have been most afraid to do.

My hope is that over the next 30 days you will commit to opening yourselves. Open yourselves to hear the truth. Not just my truth, but the truth that will sprout up and begin to reveal itself in your own hearts. Don’t ignore that pull, that thing that you want to dismiss, the thing that pisses you off. Listen to it. Ask what it’s there to teach you. As I find the courage to stand in my truth, let my words challenge and inspire you, entertain you, make you blush. But most importantly, may they stop you dead in your tracks, awaken you out of your stupor and motivate you to get real with yourself and the world around you.

Diary of a Gold Digger is my ultimate expression of that old adage, “the truth will set you free.”